She's basically become my greatest inspiration in the world, right now. More cruise photos soon! :D

Letting go. Thank you, Jillian Michaels.

its 9am, on saturday morning, october 23, 2010. i'm laying on my back, palms up towards the sky, on the lido deck onboard the norweign star. we are docked in nassau, bahamas. jillian michaels has just worked us out to what feels like near death. i am bawling my eyes out.

i hadn't realized until that moment that i was holding in such suppressed negative emotions for years. when i was younger, i was overweight. i was always the fattest kid in class. i came in last place in everything. i got picked last for sports. i was the butt of everyone's jokes. i got teased relentlessly. i kept this mostly to myself.

i was extremely shy as a child, and i think this may have been the fact that i had no self confidence in myself. if hardly anyone liked me, why should i like myself?

as i got older, and wiser, i figured it was time to take charge and change this. one summer in high school i went on weight watchers and came back the following year with a hell of a better attitude about life. i felt so much healthier, and proud, and that was the beginning of a new and better me.

even though i looked and felt different, deep down i was still holding onto those emotions, whether i realized it or not.

laying on the lido deck, taking deep breaths.

jillian is talking. "be proud of yourself. this is your moment. we have 10,000 thoughts run through our heads everyday, and 80% of them is the same bullshit over and over again. you are safe in this moment. you are here with friends and family. this is your time. let go of all the negativity. if someone has an issue with you, that's THEIR shit, their problem, not yours. for all the times someone has told you you can't, know that you CAN."

in this moment, with the tropic sun hitting my face, sweat dripping on every inch of my body, i let it go. with each tear that streamed down my face, i let go of every negative thought i ever had about myself. with every breath i took, i got stronger, and breathed in positive energy. i made a promise to myself that i would never think badly of myself again. if i ever thought poorly of myself, i will think of all the great things i HAVE done, CAN do, and WILL do with my life. and hey, jillian said it best, "just think, if i got through that crazy bitch's workout, i can do ANYTHING."

i can't even explain what these 4 days onboard did to me. i came home the most sore i've ever experience (and let me tell you, it was painful) but as my muscles healed, so did my soul.

thank you, jillian. THANK YOU. i know that this was all inside me, but you just helped the sun break through from the clouds that has been hiding behind all this time.

Run Forrest Run.

I'm currently in the middle of training for my ver first 5k.

Holy crap. Did I really just type that sentence?

I am beyond proud of myself.

November 13. I'm coming for you, baby.

Slackin' at its best.

Ah, June. I don't know why, but you have made a slacker out of me.

Maybe because this is my birthday month (I turned 25 on the 6th) but I have been doing a whole lot of NOT working out, and eating not so clean. I've stayed in my calorie limit every day this month (minus 3 nights of huge, disgusting BINGING. Ugh.) buts its been snacking, more so than healthy meals.

I can tell that my 2.5 weeks of slacking has had its effect on me, too. I'm getting jiggly in areas I wasn't so jiggly. My little guns are getting less gun-ish.

I promised myself that tomorrow is the start of a new week, and I will get back on the saddle and kick my own ass. I HAVE to. I just need to be...remotivated. *Sigh* Sometimes all of this is overwhelming to me, and so, so, hard.

Damn you, June.

Not so Super Woman.

In my p90 adventure, my 5 lb weights have become ridiculously easy to lift. Alright, I think. I’m ready to move up in lbs, then.

So, here I am, thinking I’m Super Woman. I buy 8 lbs weights from Target. Last night was my “Sculpt” day. Uh…why did I only use the 8lb weights during 3 exercises? Yeah. Attempting to lift those babies over my head was definitely not as easy as I thought it was going to be. (Basically, it was almost impossible.) But, I’m bummed, because I feel like 5 isn’t giving me enough challenge, and I can’t lift 8! Boo! I haven’t seen 6 or 7 lb weights…do those exist anywhere? C’mon puny arms, lift heavy!

I also have been thinking about getting a kettle ball. I’ve seen them being used on The Biggest Loser, but I’m not quite sure how to work them into my own workouts. Do I just swing them around? Haha…I haven’t really looked into what they can be used for, but I’m odd and just think they look fun. Just SAYING “kettle ball” is fun. Knowing my clumsy self, I’d probably throw it right through my studio window or something.

I had an odd day yesterday. I was just a bottomless pit. Every meal I had didn’t seem to fulfill me. It was one of those days where I had to go over my calorie intake, just to keep myself fueled. I mean, I ate really healthy, so caloric wise who cares, but UGH. Does anyone else have those days? I did make a mean stir-fry last night though. Tofu, broccoli, mango and pineapple, covered in Trader Joe’s red Curry sauce. Oh heaven on a plate!

Meh. I’ve been at work for an hour now, and have been unproductive this entire time. Slowly letting the caffeine circulate to my brain… Guess I’ll go check some patron’s books out or something…ha.

Have your cake, and eat it too?

Holy lack of blogging an actual update, Batman!

Not having internet is really lame. The only place I have access to it, rather than my cell phone is work. And, well, I should be WORKING while at work, so I don't have time to update…except, I’m finding myself writing this update at work, so hmmm. There goes that theory!

So, heres what I wanted to update about this time:

I’m still doing p90. Almost at day 60, and I’m finally seeing results. This may be because I totally, TOTALLY fucked myself over and lost all self control and ate/splurged/binged big time on my cruise last month. Ugh. It still makes me sick thinking about it, even though I’ve worked off most of the weight I put on. I hate to even think about it. Its like, did I really work my ass off for 6 months just to seriously gain half of it back? Yeah, HALF. When I got home my scale said 132. 132! I was down to 123! How in the hell did I let myself DO that? Disgusting. Thankfully, the scale has been flirting with the 125 mark, so I’m almost there. I will be back to 123. I am determined. (Hey, I gotta look good for Jillian in October, right?! ;)

So, what happened to my view about "cheat days" that I talked about in a previous post? Hell, cheat days are great. yeah. But a cheat WEEK? A I-lost-track-of-how-many-pieces-of-cake-I-ate week? No bueno.

I take this as a learning experience. I know I can have my cake, yes, but I can't have an ENTIRE cake and expect the scale to stay down. I've even become less strict with myself since I've gotten back, and don't count calories as closely as I did before. I eat healthy, and the weight is coming off. I'm finding a healthy balance. It feels good.

Is it October, yet?

GUESS WHERE I'M GOING IN OCTOBER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Five words:
JILLIAN. MICHAELS. ULTIMATE. WELLNESS. CRUISE.


That's right, bloggity blog world. My girl crush. My fitness role model. My weight loss inspiration. AND I get to take a photo with her onboard. Oh, and did I mention that I also get to go to Great Stirrup Cay & Nassau, in The Bahamas? SCORE.

*squeeeel*

Oh, and yes. I am aware this will be my third cruise in 2010. Ha. Ooops?