Letting go. Thank you, Jillian Michaels.

its 9am, on saturday morning, october 23, 2010. i'm laying on my back, palms up towards the sky, on the lido deck onboard the norweign star. we are docked in nassau, bahamas. jillian michaels has just worked us out to what feels like near death. i am bawling my eyes out.

i hadn't realized until that moment that i was holding in such suppressed negative emotions for years. when i was younger, i was overweight. i was always the fattest kid in class. i came in last place in everything. i got picked last for sports. i was the butt of everyone's jokes. i got teased relentlessly. i kept this mostly to myself.

i was extremely shy as a child, and i think this may have been the fact that i had no self confidence in myself. if hardly anyone liked me, why should i like myself?

as i got older, and wiser, i figured it was time to take charge and change this. one summer in high school i went on weight watchers and came back the following year with a hell of a better attitude about life. i felt so much healthier, and proud, and that was the beginning of a new and better me.

even though i looked and felt different, deep down i was still holding onto those emotions, whether i realized it or not.

laying on the lido deck, taking deep breaths.

jillian is talking. "be proud of yourself. this is your moment. we have 10,000 thoughts run through our heads everyday, and 80% of them is the same bullshit over and over again. you are safe in this moment. you are here with friends and family. this is your time. let go of all the negativity. if someone has an issue with you, that's THEIR shit, their problem, not yours. for all the times someone has told you you can't, know that you CAN."

in this moment, with the tropic sun hitting my face, sweat dripping on every inch of my body, i let it go. with each tear that streamed down my face, i let go of every negative thought i ever had about myself. with every breath i took, i got stronger, and breathed in positive energy. i made a promise to myself that i would never think badly of myself again. if i ever thought poorly of myself, i will think of all the great things i HAVE done, CAN do, and WILL do with my life. and hey, jillian said it best, "just think, if i got through that crazy bitch's workout, i can do ANYTHING."

i can't even explain what these 4 days onboard did to me. i came home the most sore i've ever experience (and let me tell you, it was painful) but as my muscles healed, so did my soul.

thank you, jillian. THANK YOU. i know that this was all inside me, but you just helped the sun break through from the clouds that has been hiding behind all this time.